Dear Slate,

I have something to tell you that might interest you.

I have a friend writing an essay on how the American education system may benefit by allowing high school students to sleep in later. The essay itself will not be contrarian or snarky enough to interest you, but what may is the title I suggested for it.

Turning Zs into As.

Oh yes, Slate. I know what passes for wit in your newsroom. And if you hire me, you will see your headlines become ever more ridiculous.

Let us say you decide to do a multi-part story on the subject. You’re going to need more than one title, and you’ve already used “Turning Zs into As.” There’s no way I could produce another title on the same topic, is there?

Pillow Chalk.

Boom. You know how to find me.